So I feel like I've been non-existent for some time. Life has been pretty busy. Kendall has had basketball and baseball. The spring months meant the hubby started putting in long hours. Summer for me means LOTS of new hires and longer days. Through all of that, we have managed to continue on our IVF path.
We've met with the doctor several times since my last post. We had a baseline ultrasound at the beginning of my last cycle. The ultrasound tech could only visualize 3-4 follicles and that concerned the doctor. So why I was there for a SHG, he did a repeat ultrasound and found more. Like 10-12 per ovary. Much better!! I've had more blood drawn than I can shake a stick at. After showing that I had lost a bit more weight, the doctor was ready to move forward. (YA!)
Hubby and I traveled to Memphis on Monday for a long day. We met with the ansethiologist. Did our injection training and learned about all our medications. More blood drawn and finally a mock transfer. I start injections a week from Friday with an anticipated egg retrival on June 24!! It's REAL!! VERY REAL!!
I'm excited! This is such a great time in the life of our family. The doctor did increase our odds of twins to 30%. I guess we really have consider that--and we have and we're OK. Whatever God blesses us with, we will cherish and love.
But OH. MY. WORD. The medicine list they gave. This is just a sampling... Ganirelix, Doxycycline, Prednisone, Follistim, Menopur, hCG, Crinone...and the list goes on. My hubby had to learn how to give me a shot on my hip. There is a large mixing needle and the smaller injection needle. He's threatened, more than once, to using the mixing needle. I may kill him before this whole process is over. Not really.....well, maybe. Time will tell.
Been in lots of prayer over this process. You think conceiving naturally is just allowing things to happen. You may time and try to get things right, but it's still almost an "accident" when it happens. There are no accidents with IVF. NONE. You know very well what is happening and what your body is going through. And there really isn't ever that question mark of "is this going to work?" At least not for us. With our proven fertility, we believe wholeheartedly that this will work and that we will be pregnant. The big question for us is "How many?"
So in closing.... I'm excited, scared, depressed, a little sad. Excited that we have finally made it to this point. Scared because I'm still "sure" what to expect. Depressed and sad because I still miss my Tyler. All this pales in comparison to losing him and even having to go through this madness. But I know God's plans are so much higher than ours and I am choosing to trust Him. So I place all my emotions and feelings at His feet and leave them there. I choose (at least for today) to not pick them back up. It's hard to leave them, but I know that at His feet they are not weighing on my shoulders.
Love... Kathy
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
No News is Good News
The old saying goes.... No news is good news. I guess that applies to most areas of your life. It's been A LONG three months to get to where we are right now. And I mean a LLLLLLOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG three months! During that time I have worked my tail off and lost what weight I could. I'm still just shy of the doctor's goal, but I'm confident that we can get started and I'll continue to work on the weight.
Speaking of doctor.... I went in last week for my day-3 tests. I had about 8 vials of blood drawn and had a very painful ultrasound done of my ovaries. I'm scheduled for an SHG and to see the doctor tomorrow. Ya...another trip to Memphis. *sarcasm*
I'm preparing myself for the upcoming months--making multiple trips to the "big city".
So...there's not much news to share. My fingers are crossed that we get our schedule and protocol tomorrow. There's a lot of build-up to these visits and when you leave not knowing something it's real a let down. I understand that portion of it, but it doesn't make matters any better.
Thoughts and prayers are with my cousin who underwent her third transfer last Wednesday and will test this Friday to see if she is in fact pregnant!! I feel assured that this is her time and that my time will be right behind her.
Looking forward to another day with hopes and prayers that I leave with news--good news!!
'Til Later,
Kathy
Speaking of doctor.... I went in last week for my day-3 tests. I had about 8 vials of blood drawn and had a very painful ultrasound done of my ovaries. I'm scheduled for an SHG and to see the doctor tomorrow. Ya...another trip to Memphis. *sarcasm*
I'm preparing myself for the upcoming months--making multiple trips to the "big city".
So...there's not much news to share. My fingers are crossed that we get our schedule and protocol tomorrow. There's a lot of build-up to these visits and when you leave not knowing something it's real a let down. I understand that portion of it, but it doesn't make matters any better.
Thoughts and prayers are with my cousin who underwent her third transfer last Wednesday and will test this Friday to see if she is in fact pregnant!! I feel assured that this is her time and that my time will be right behind her.
Looking forward to another day with hopes and prayers that I leave with news--good news!!
'Til Later,
Kathy
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Can I Scream, Please?
This has not been the best of weeks. I'll start with talking about my precious son, Kendall. Kendall is 8-years old and is the love of our life.
He is very tender-hearted and really doesn't have a mean bone in his body. That's one of the greatest attributes he can have, in my opinion. But the other night, he was being particularly clingy. Kendall finally crawled into his Papa's lap and was watching "Looney Tunes". In the cartoon there was a character with a baby. When he saw that, all of sudden he started crying. Big, loud sobs coming from this little body. I got him consoled and helped him gather himself, only to have him breakdown again when I was tucking him into bed. I posted on Facebook that we all have our moments and that night was Kendall's. I can't understand how grief effects him, but as his Momma, I hate to see him cry and hurt.
****************
I accomplished something this morning!! I jogged a half mile in the pool!! Woo Hoo!! I ALSO swam a quarter of a mile!! Go Me!! I may pay for it tomorrow, but for the moment I'm enjoying it. I'm getting very frustrated, though. The scale has stopped moving--AGAIN! I report to the IVF doctor in a few short weeks and I'm no where near where I wanted to be. I've lost and I feel good about that, but I need to be so much closer to my goal than this.
I've spoken with a few ladies who have been through IVF and even talked with one who used the same facility. They were told the same thing--you need to lose weight. They each had a goal and none of them got there. One is like myself, a bigger girl, and she was able to proceed with her first round of IVF. The doctor talked with her about the results with a lower BMI, but she felt comfortable enough with where she was to move forward. She now has a set of healthy, 8-year old twins from her first round. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we have the same success and we can go ahead and do this.
I feel like if I could lose another 10 pounds by our date, I'll be good. That's two pounds a week until we're there. I can do this, but in the mean time, I do want to SCREAM!!
Kathy
He is very tender-hearted and really doesn't have a mean bone in his body. That's one of the greatest attributes he can have, in my opinion. But the other night, he was being particularly clingy. Kendall finally crawled into his Papa's lap and was watching "Looney Tunes". In the cartoon there was a character with a baby. When he saw that, all of sudden he started crying. Big, loud sobs coming from this little body. I got him consoled and helped him gather himself, only to have him breakdown again when I was tucking him into bed. I posted on Facebook that we all have our moments and that night was Kendall's. I can't understand how grief effects him, but as his Momma, I hate to see him cry and hurt.
****************
I accomplished something this morning!! I jogged a half mile in the pool!! Woo Hoo!! I ALSO swam a quarter of a mile!! Go Me!! I may pay for it tomorrow, but for the moment I'm enjoying it. I'm getting very frustrated, though. The scale has stopped moving--AGAIN! I report to the IVF doctor in a few short weeks and I'm no where near where I wanted to be. I've lost and I feel good about that, but I need to be so much closer to my goal than this.
I've spoken with a few ladies who have been through IVF and even talked with one who used the same facility. They were told the same thing--you need to lose weight. They each had a goal and none of them got there. One is like myself, a bigger girl, and she was able to proceed with her first round of IVF. The doctor talked with her about the results with a lower BMI, but she felt comfortable enough with where she was to move forward. She now has a set of healthy, 8-year old twins from her first round. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we have the same success and we can go ahead and do this.
I feel like if I could lose another 10 pounds by our date, I'll be good. That's two pounds a week until we're there. I can do this, but in the mean time, I do want to SCREAM!!
Kathy
Monday, March 18, 2013
A Chance to Share
I'm sitting here in a bit of a quandary. One, in less than 40 days (37 to be exact) we'll be meeting with the IVF dr to discuss our next steps. I have to admit, this makes me very scared. I'm still not down in weight to where I need to be and I'm struggling with the scale all the way around.
Also, in May, I'll be sharing my story, this story, with the ladies at my church. I'm going to invite some friends of mine to come and be there for moral support too. I'm praying about what direction it needs to take, but I know I want to talk about my past and everything that I have endured to be in a place where I am now where I can see God's hand in whatever comes my way. I'm sure many of the things I've shared in this blog will come up in my talk. And that's OK, I want to speak from my heart and share how I'm still able to praise Him through everything.
And by everything--I mean EVERYTHING!! To highlight... I lost my brother to suicide 2 days before my 19th birthday. I lived as a missionary in LA for 1 year living on less than $200/month. My mother developed cirrhosis of the liver and was on the transplant list for 7 years. I married an abusive man who made my life a living hell for 5 months. I LEFT an abusive relationship when I knew my life would be threatened for doing so. I raised a child on my own for the first 3 years of his life. I lost my mother to the disease that had made her sick for so long after she received her life-changing transplant. I suffered infertility for 4 years while me and my husband struggled to know the cause. And ultimately....I lost an infant child just a day after we welcomed him into this world. Things change you and every one of the above listed events has changed my life. I'm not the same person I was before I lost my brother. I'm not the same person I was before my mother died and I'm certainly not the same person I was before Tyler went to Heaven. And I'll never be that person again. Those life moments change you and mold you into who you will become. And I believe that it's your reaction to those moments that mold you into the person that God wants you to be. Our reactions make us who we are...the good, the bad and the ugly.
I'm excited about my chance to share, but I'm also very nervous. I take the opportunities like this that are given very seriously and cover them with prayer. I want to see people changed and moved by what I say. I know people are watching my every move, but now I want them to see my every step and know that it is God that has held me as I journey down this sorrow stricken road.
Till next time....
Kathy
Also, in May, I'll be sharing my story, this story, with the ladies at my church. I'm going to invite some friends of mine to come and be there for moral support too. I'm praying about what direction it needs to take, but I know I want to talk about my past and everything that I have endured to be in a place where I am now where I can see God's hand in whatever comes my way. I'm sure many of the things I've shared in this blog will come up in my talk. And that's OK, I want to speak from my heart and share how I'm still able to praise Him through everything.
And by everything--I mean EVERYTHING!! To highlight... I lost my brother to suicide 2 days before my 19th birthday. I lived as a missionary in LA for 1 year living on less than $200/month. My mother developed cirrhosis of the liver and was on the transplant list for 7 years. I married an abusive man who made my life a living hell for 5 months. I LEFT an abusive relationship when I knew my life would be threatened for doing so. I raised a child on my own for the first 3 years of his life. I lost my mother to the disease that had made her sick for so long after she received her life-changing transplant. I suffered infertility for 4 years while me and my husband struggled to know the cause. And ultimately....I lost an infant child just a day after we welcomed him into this world. Things change you and every one of the above listed events has changed my life. I'm not the same person I was before I lost my brother. I'm not the same person I was before my mother died and I'm certainly not the same person I was before Tyler went to Heaven. And I'll never be that person again. Those life moments change you and mold you into who you will become. And I believe that it's your reaction to those moments that mold you into the person that God wants you to be. Our reactions make us who we are...the good, the bad and the ugly.
I'm excited about my chance to share, but I'm also very nervous. I take the opportunities like this that are given very seriously and cover them with prayer. I want to see people changed and moved by what I say. I know people are watching my every move, but now I want them to see my every step and know that it is God that has held me as I journey down this sorrow stricken road.
Till next time....
Kathy
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Still Standing!
I haven't posted in some time and to be quite honest, I really didn't have much to say.
I had the privilege of meeting another "Standing Mom" who lost her 12-week son, Ethan, three years ago. This amazing mother is my soon-to-be pastor's wife and I'm so excited to be able to share our stories and laugh together and to cry together. She is excited to walk through this next phase of our life holding my hand and keeping me sane as I worry about every little pain, cramp and twinge that I feel during my next pregnancy. (I say my NEXT pregnancy because I will get pregnant again!!)
I had plateaued and not lost any additional weight for about two weeks. I would gain and lose the same pound, it seemed. I was really starting to get frustrated and really started questioning whether or not this would all be worth it. I would read blogs and weight-loss sites trying to gather a game plan to help with the last, stubborn 12 pounds. I was working my tale off and nothing really to show for it. Then, this morning, the scale showed a four-pound loss.
HALLELUJAH!! (angels singing in the background)
I feel like I can continue on this journey. I've still got 8 pounds to lose by April 24, but I feel confident that I can get those off plus any extra that may want to linger.
My husband has been using a weight-loss product and lost nine pounds in seven days. It's not a competition, but it sure is nice to get one ahead of him. :)
Tee hee, tee hee....
But with a five-month angleversary under my belt, the scale finally moving in the right direction and feeling like we're getting somewhere--I'm very optimistic about the future. I'm ready to get things going, but I also know that April 24 is not that far away. (42 days to be exact!) I'll make it and hopefully be down another 12 pounds.....
Until then....
Kathy
- Some days are better than others.
- It still hurts to see pictures and video of Tyler.
- I still get mad/upset/bitter when I see healthy babies with their mommas.
- I want so badly to hold a baby, but just don't think I stomach it.
- I'm working out 5-6 days a week to get down to a weight that is acceptable to start IVF.
- I'm not to that acceptable weight just yet.
- I still want to have another baby......
I had the privilege of meeting another "Standing Mom" who lost her 12-week son, Ethan, three years ago. This amazing mother is my soon-to-be pastor's wife and I'm so excited to be able to share our stories and laugh together and to cry together. She is excited to walk through this next phase of our life holding my hand and keeping me sane as I worry about every little pain, cramp and twinge that I feel during my next pregnancy. (I say my NEXT pregnancy because I will get pregnant again!!)
I had plateaued and not lost any additional weight for about two weeks. I would gain and lose the same pound, it seemed. I was really starting to get frustrated and really started questioning whether or not this would all be worth it. I would read blogs and weight-loss sites trying to gather a game plan to help with the last, stubborn 12 pounds. I was working my tale off and nothing really to show for it. Then, this morning, the scale showed a four-pound loss.
HALLELUJAH!! (angels singing in the background)
I feel like I can continue on this journey. I've still got 8 pounds to lose by April 24, but I feel confident that I can get those off plus any extra that may want to linger.
My husband has been using a weight-loss product and lost nine pounds in seven days. It's not a competition, but it sure is nice to get one ahead of him. :)
Tee hee, tee hee....
But with a five-month angleversary under my belt, the scale finally moving in the right direction and feeling like we're getting somewhere--I'm very optimistic about the future. I'm ready to get things going, but I also know that April 24 is not that far away. (42 days to be exact!) I'll make it and hopefully be down another 12 pounds.....
Until then....
Kathy
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Late Update!
I've been rather MIA as of lately. The "sickies" moved into our home and decided to camp out for a few weeks. It seems we passed it around and everyone got a taste. I was lucky (sarcasm) to have it twice. The second episode required not-one, but three visits to see a doctor. The first visit was to an after-hours clinic. Diagnosis: bronchitis. The next morning I woke up and had been coughing up blood through the night. Decided I better have confirmation that it was just bronchitis and something more serious. Diagnosis that visit: confirmation of bronchitis and a bleeding sore in the back of my throat. Continued the antibiotics and then followed up with my regular doctor later in the week. Through this mess, I started getting something that felt like cotton mouth. I had experienced it before and knew that it was thrush. Regular doctor confirmed, that, yes, I did have thrush. A few more drugs to combat the problem.
So, with nearly a week of a sore throat and unable to eat much of anything, I lost 11 pounds!! Not the way I would suggest to anyone to lose weight, but it helped to make a nasty week a little better.
Today was the day that I called the IVF doctor to schedule my tests and next appointment. April 25!! As of today, that is 65 days away!! That means that in 65 days we'll be starting the process of in-vitro fertilization. This first visit is all my initial blood tests, an ultrasound and the visit with the doctor to let us know which protocol we will start. It seems very surreal. This is something we want, but at the same time it's also very overwhelming. I still have days (today being one of them) that I am filled with worry about my living child and his safety. I know he is in a safe place with people that would lay down their life to protect him, but the fear for his life and the life of future children, invades my mind and my senses to a point that it's hard to concentrate and think. I know that those 9 months of pregnancy will be filled with fear over every twinge, every ache, every slight hint of a problem. I'll continue to worry until that baby is safe in my arms and we are headed home. And then new worries come. I guess that as a mother that's part of our DNA, but for me, sometime it gets to be too much for me to handle.
So I start my countdown! 65...... ...::: BREATHE :::... ...::: BREATHE :::... (repeat)
---Kathy
So, with nearly a week of a sore throat and unable to eat much of anything, I lost 11 pounds!! Not the way I would suggest to anyone to lose weight, but it helped to make a nasty week a little better.
Today was the day that I called the IVF doctor to schedule my tests and next appointment. April 25!! As of today, that is 65 days away!! That means that in 65 days we'll be starting the process of in-vitro fertilization. This first visit is all my initial blood tests, an ultrasound and the visit with the doctor to let us know which protocol we will start. It seems very surreal. This is something we want, but at the same time it's also very overwhelming. I still have days (today being one of them) that I am filled with worry about my living child and his safety. I know he is in a safe place with people that would lay down their life to protect him, but the fear for his life and the life of future children, invades my mind and my senses to a point that it's hard to concentrate and think. I know that those 9 months of pregnancy will be filled with fear over every twinge, every ache, every slight hint of a problem. I'll continue to worry until that baby is safe in my arms and we are headed home. And then new worries come. I guess that as a mother that's part of our DNA, but for me, sometime it gets to be too much for me to handle.
So I start my countdown! 65...... ...::: BREATHE :::... ...::: BREATHE :::... (repeat)
---Kathy
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
How's it going?
This is week number two of early morning visits to the gym!! I'm happy to report that I have been there most mornings and have already dropped six pounds!! Six pounds down, 24 more to go.
I've got a friend who has been meeting me at the gym. We both do our own thing, but it helps with accountability of it all. You start asking questions when you don't see someone and maybe apply some good peer pressure to get them back. It helps me knowing that someone is there "waiting" on me. I feel another responsibility.
I'm excited about the weight loss. I'm excited about the exercise. I'm also very excited that third period after giving birth was normal. That's two in a row that have been normal. Getting back on a regular cycle is just another step toward meeting our goal of a viable pregnancy. One more step in the right direction.
The craziest thing that has happened is that I have volunteered to share my story at a women's function at church. I just kept feeling a pull to share what we've been through and open up about my anger, my hurt, my loss. Many, and I mean MANY, know the story about losing Tyler, but most don't have a clue about the greater loss we felt that day of maybe never having another child. That's just not something you openly share with people, but God has really impressed upon me that I do need to share. Share about our feelings, share about the heart condition Tyler had, share about getting better and not bitter, share about being thankful and content with what you have... All of the above. I'm nervous, scared. Worried about the fingers of judgement that may be pointed at us. In-vitro fertilization is a very new topic for the church to discuss. It's so "science-y" that a lot of people don't want or don't like to think about that with regard to creation and the way God designed things. It will be very new territory for some of our ladies to venture into, but I'm happy to share this story with them. I want them to take the journey with us. Celebrate with us, grieve with us, hope with us, pray with us....
I've got a friend who has been meeting me at the gym. We both do our own thing, but it helps with accountability of it all. You start asking questions when you don't see someone and maybe apply some good peer pressure to get them back. It helps me knowing that someone is there "waiting" on me. I feel another responsibility.
I'm excited about the weight loss. I'm excited about the exercise. I'm also very excited that third period after giving birth was normal. That's two in a row that have been normal. Getting back on a regular cycle is just another step toward meeting our goal of a viable pregnancy. One more step in the right direction.
The craziest thing that has happened is that I have volunteered to share my story at a women's function at church. I just kept feeling a pull to share what we've been through and open up about my anger, my hurt, my loss. Many, and I mean MANY, know the story about losing Tyler, but most don't have a clue about the greater loss we felt that day of maybe never having another child. That's just not something you openly share with people, but God has really impressed upon me that I do need to share. Share about our feelings, share about the heart condition Tyler had, share about getting better and not bitter, share about being thankful and content with what you have... All of the above. I'm nervous, scared. Worried about the fingers of judgement that may be pointed at us. In-vitro fertilization is a very new topic for the church to discuss. It's so "science-y" that a lot of people don't want or don't like to think about that with regard to creation and the way God designed things. It will be very new territory for some of our ladies to venture into, but I'm happy to share this story with them. I want them to take the journey with us. Celebrate with us, grieve with us, hope with us, pray with us....
Friday, January 18, 2013
Doctor Visit # 2
So, this past Wednesday we met with another IVF specialist in Memphis, Dr. Brezina, a specialist at Fertility Associates of Memphis. I was prepared for whatever he told us and was even prepared for the worst--that he would come in unknowledgable and not be sensitive to our particular situation.
I am happy to report that it was the most wonderful experience. Dr. Brezina had taken the time to read our file and immediately came in and offered his condolences. It was nice to see that he had such care and concern for our situation and that this was just not your average infertility case.
It was at this time that Dr. Brezina gave us "his plan" for us. A specifically designed plan for us for the place that we were in. Not the run of the mill plan for every infertile woman that walks through the door. A plan just for us and our needs.
The initial step in that plan... I have to lose about 30 pounds. And I've given myself 3 months to do it. I lost roughly 40 pounds in the same time frame last year and feel confident that I can do it again. It's about carving out gym time for me. It just so happens that the gym time is 530 am every morning. Yes, it's early, but it works for me and my family. I'm there, get my workout in and home to shower and get ready for work.
When I've lost the weight, I'll schedule my blood work appointment and meet with the doctor again. I'll have an ultrasound to take a look at everything going on and see what I do on my own. Hubby has his own tests that he will undergo as well. This is where the ball starts rolling. As long as I've lost the necessary weight, we get to start this journey!!
The next several steps are rather tedious. I'll start birth control pills and schedule another test in the next couple of days. From there, we start the injectable medications. We'll have a a trial transfer to know where is the perfect spot to put our little embryos. Multiple blood tests, ultrasounds and more tests. Then the big day--the egg retrieval. Fertilization of the eggs and then on day 5--the embryo transfer. From then we just wait and see. We pray and keep our fingers crossed that one or both stick and that we can celebrate the start of a healthy pregnancy.
It's a lot to take in. I have my work cut out for me. Thirty pounds is a lot of weight, but the weight loss is simply to increase our chances of success. And honestly, why would you go through the time, energy and money if you didn't want your chance of success to be good. We want to put ourselves in the best possible situation to make this happen. The plus, it will get me started on another healthy pregnancy.
I was so impressed with Dr. Brezina and his staff. I left feeling hopeful and excited. The next several months will be filled with a lot of emotions. I already feel like we've started the journey. I know every step we make from here on out is the step in the right direction for our future child(ren).
--Kathy
I am happy to report that it was the most wonderful experience. Dr. Brezina had taken the time to read our file and immediately came in and offered his condolences. It was nice to see that he had such care and concern for our situation and that this was just not your average infertility case.
It was at this time that Dr. Brezina gave us "his plan" for us. A specifically designed plan for us for the place that we were in. Not the run of the mill plan for every infertile woman that walks through the door. A plan just for us and our needs.
The initial step in that plan... I have to lose about 30 pounds. And I've given myself 3 months to do it. I lost roughly 40 pounds in the same time frame last year and feel confident that I can do it again. It's about carving out gym time for me. It just so happens that the gym time is 530 am every morning. Yes, it's early, but it works for me and my family. I'm there, get my workout in and home to shower and get ready for work.
When I've lost the weight, I'll schedule my blood work appointment and meet with the doctor again. I'll have an ultrasound to take a look at everything going on and see what I do on my own. Hubby has his own tests that he will undergo as well. This is where the ball starts rolling. As long as I've lost the necessary weight, we get to start this journey!!
The next several steps are rather tedious. I'll start birth control pills and schedule another test in the next couple of days. From there, we start the injectable medications. We'll have a a trial transfer to know where is the perfect spot to put our little embryos. Multiple blood tests, ultrasounds and more tests. Then the big day--the egg retrieval. Fertilization of the eggs and then on day 5--the embryo transfer. From then we just wait and see. We pray and keep our fingers crossed that one or both stick and that we can celebrate the start of a healthy pregnancy.
It's a lot to take in. I have my work cut out for me. Thirty pounds is a lot of weight, but the weight loss is simply to increase our chances of success. And honestly, why would you go through the time, energy and money if you didn't want your chance of success to be good. We want to put ourselves in the best possible situation to make this happen. The plus, it will get me started on another healthy pregnancy.
I was so impressed with Dr. Brezina and his staff. I left feeling hopeful and excited. The next several months will be filled with a lot of emotions. I already feel like we've started the journey. I know every step we make from here on out is the step in the right direction for our future child(ren).
--Kathy
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
3 Month Angelversary
Today has been a particularly rough day. Today would have been Tyler's 3 month birthday. We probably wouldn't have celebrated with anything, but 3-months is pretty big milestone. Lots of thoughts of him today. Wishing we could hold him, kiss him, love on him--all the things you're supposed to do with a new baby. The feelings of "It's not fair" start to drift into your mind on days like today.
There was a picture of a group of ladies from church that have recently had babies. Not all the women were present for the picture, but most were. It really made me upset. I should be a part of that picture. Tyler and I should be there with the rest of the new moms.
It's just not fair....
There was a picture of a group of ladies from church that have recently had babies. Not all the women were present for the picture, but most were. It really made me upset. I should be a part of that picture. Tyler and I should be there with the rest of the new moms.
It's just not fair....
Monday, January 7, 2013
Thinking Things Through
So, a lot of my "down time" seems to be consumed with thinking. Thinking about what could have been different. Thinking about what to do next. Thinking about what-ifs. You name it, I've probably thought about it.
The last three months have been a bit of a whirlwind for us. Not only have we lost a child and thought we had truly lost all hope of any more children, we were actually given the news that there are ways for us to bear another child. My OB, who is the greatest in the world, suggested we look into a couple of options. One was a tubal reversal and the second was IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization).
During a follow-up visit, the OB shared that our success rate with either procedure would be roughly 50%. Age, egg reserve, etc. plays a huge part with the success of a reversal. The pros to a reversal are the cost (little out of pocket for us), the "natural" part of conception, the ability to try every month without injectable drugs, etc. Now, there are down sides. One down side is my age. I'm currently 35 years-old. Hubby is 36. We're not spring chickens anymore. Also, I have PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It took us four years to conceive Tyler. We really don't have four years to wait. That would push to a very fine line.
On the other hand, there is the possibility of IVF. Ironically, our insurance will cover the cost at 90%. The difficult part of that has been finding a doctor who will bill the insurance and accept what they pay. But that's another story for another day. :~) So, yes, our insurance will cover IVF as well as the injectable drugs that must be taken. Our out of pocket would be so small compared with other women who have taken this route. There are risks. The risk of multiple pregnancies is greatly increased with IVF. The cost per round is astronomical. And 10% of astronomical is still a lot of money. But this process by-passes the problem we had for those four years and could potentially make conception a one-shot wonder for us.
There are pros and cons to each procedure. I'm still not sure which direction to take. We saw a doctor in St. Louis, but he would not bill my insurance. I also just felt like a number in their factory. We are scheduled to see another doctor in Memphis next week and I'm hoping for a personal approach by this clinic. I still haven't ruled out a tubal reversal, but at this point, I'm just thinking things through.
--Kathy
The last three months have been a bit of a whirlwind for us. Not only have we lost a child and thought we had truly lost all hope of any more children, we were actually given the news that there are ways for us to bear another child. My OB, who is the greatest in the world, suggested we look into a couple of options. One was a tubal reversal and the second was IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization).
During a follow-up visit, the OB shared that our success rate with either procedure would be roughly 50%. Age, egg reserve, etc. plays a huge part with the success of a reversal. The pros to a reversal are the cost (little out of pocket for us), the "natural" part of conception, the ability to try every month without injectable drugs, etc. Now, there are down sides. One down side is my age. I'm currently 35 years-old. Hubby is 36. We're not spring chickens anymore. Also, I have PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It took us four years to conceive Tyler. We really don't have four years to wait. That would push to a very fine line.
On the other hand, there is the possibility of IVF. Ironically, our insurance will cover the cost at 90%. The difficult part of that has been finding a doctor who will bill the insurance and accept what they pay. But that's another story for another day. :~) So, yes, our insurance will cover IVF as well as the injectable drugs that must be taken. Our out of pocket would be so small compared with other women who have taken this route. There are risks. The risk of multiple pregnancies is greatly increased with IVF. The cost per round is astronomical. And 10% of astronomical is still a lot of money. But this process by-passes the problem we had for those four years and could potentially make conception a one-shot wonder for us.
There are pros and cons to each procedure. I'm still not sure which direction to take. We saw a doctor in St. Louis, but he would not bill my insurance. I also just felt like a number in their factory. We are scheduled to see another doctor in Memphis next week and I'm hoping for a personal approach by this clinic. I still haven't ruled out a tubal reversal, but at this point, I'm just thinking things through.
--Kathy
Friday, January 4, 2013
What Was Wrong?
I'm asked countless times, "What was wrong with Tyler?" In a nutshell, he had a heart defect. The elongated version... He had HLHS or Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.
HLHS is a congenital heart defect that causes the left side of the heart to not develop enough to do what it needs to be done once baby is born. For many children with HLHS, there are only two chambers in the heart (vs. the four that should be present). With only two chambers, it's much easier to detect during a routine ultrasound that something is wrong or different. That kind of detection would call for more extensive testing to determine the exact cause of the problem. Tyler's HLHS was a bit more complex. He had all four chambers. His left sided two were just substantially smaller than the right side. HLHS, as with most congenital heart defects, occurs within the first 8 weeks of pregnancy.
What can be done?
If detected soon enough, there is a series of three open heart surgeries that can be performed. These three surgeries are routinely performed before the age of five. There is no guarantee that the surgeries will fix the problem. Many children go on to need pacemakers or heart transplants.
If we had been aware of the problem, we would have delivered at large hospital with a doctor/surgeon who could have performed the first of the surgeries. We can't say for certain that things would have been turned out any differently, but we would have taken every step necessary to provide the chance for success.
Surgery for hypoplastic left heart syndrome usually is done in three separate stages:
How rare?
HLHS is a fairly rare congenital heart defect. According to statistics, one out of 4,344 babies are born with HLHS in the United States and Canada. HLHS occurs in approximately .016%-.036% of live births, but accounts for 23% of neonatal deaths due to a congenital heart defect.
HLHS is a congenital heart defect that causes the left side of the heart to not develop enough to do what it needs to be done once baby is born. For many children with HLHS, there are only two chambers in the heart (vs. the four that should be present). With only two chambers, it's much easier to detect during a routine ultrasound that something is wrong or different. That kind of detection would call for more extensive testing to determine the exact cause of the problem. Tyler's HLHS was a bit more complex. He had all four chambers. His left sided two were just substantially smaller than the right side. HLHS, as with most congenital heart defects, occurs within the first 8 weeks of pregnancy.
What can be done?
If detected soon enough, there is a series of three open heart surgeries that can be performed. These three surgeries are routinely performed before the age of five. There is no guarantee that the surgeries will fix the problem. Many children go on to need pacemakers or heart transplants.
If we had been aware of the problem, we would have delivered at large hospital with a doctor/surgeon who could have performed the first of the surgeries. We can't say for certain that things would have been turned out any differently, but we would have taken every step necessary to provide the chance for success.
Surgery for hypoplastic left heart syndrome usually is done in three separate stages:
- Norwood Procedure
This surgery usually is done within the first 2 weeks of a baby’s life. Surgeons create a “new” aorta and connect it to the right ventricle. They also place a tube from either the aorta or the right ventricle to the vessels supplying the lungs (pulmonary arteries). Thus, the right ventricle can pump blood to both the lungs and the rest of the body. This can be a very challenging surgery. After this procedure, an infant’s skin still might look bluish because oxygen-rich and oxygen-poor blood still mix in the heart. - Bi-directional Glenn Shunt Procedure
This usually is performed when an infant is 4 to 6 months of age. This procedure creates a direct connection between the pulmonary artery and the vessel (the superior vena cava) returning oxygen-poor blood from the upper part of the body to the heart. This reduces the work the right ventricle has to do by allowing blood returning from the body to flow directly to the lungs. - Fontan Procedure
This procedure usually is done sometime during the period when an infant is 18 months to 3 years of age. Doctors connect the pulmonary artery and the vessel (the inferior vena cava) returning oxygen-poor blood from the lower part of the body to the heart, allowing the rest of the blood coming back from the body to go to the lungs. Once this procedure is complete, oxygen-rich and oxygen-poor blood no longer mix in the heart and an infant’s skin will no longer look bluish.
How rare?
HLHS is a fairly rare congenital heart defect. According to statistics, one out of 4,344 babies are born with HLHS in the United States and Canada. HLHS occurs in approximately .016%-.036% of live births, but accounts for 23% of neonatal deaths due to a congenital heart defect.
How did we find out?
We were encouraged to have an autopsy so we would have closure as to what really happened. The pathologist at the hospital agreed to do a limited autopsy of his heart and lungs to determine the true cause. It was during this that it was immediately determined that it was in fact HLHS.
Next Steps
We have spoken with our OB numerous times as well as the various pediatricians who treated Tyler to determine our possibility of recurrence. We have a 5% chance of having another child with a congenital heart defect. A very slim percentage of chance of another child having HLHS, what is described as one of the most deadly of heart defects.
We also know that when we do get pregnant, we will be of the highest of risk. We will see a maternal-fetal medicine doctor, have multiple tests and deliver near a Level-3 NICU. We feel our chances of lightening striking twice is small, but we want to be prepared for whatever may come our way.
Knowing what was wrong helped in so many ways. We were able to take the blame off of us and also allowed us the opportunity to dream and wish for the future. And we are hopeful! We are excited to see to see what is in store for us in the coming months.
--Kathy
Thursday, January 3, 2013
History and What's To Come
I've wanted to start a blog about everything my husband and I have been through for the last month or so. It's still very fresh in my mind the feelings of grief, loss, love and overwhelming sorrow that we have felt and continue to feel.
Here's our story...
My husband and I were married on March 29, 2008. It was a second marriage for both of us. We each had a child from our previous marriage, but we knew we wanted a child together. OUR flesh and blood. So, began the process of trying to conceive (TTC).
Miscarriage
I was what you might call "Fertile Myrtle" in my younger days, but it didn't appear that way any more. After roughly 18 months of TTC, we had the exciting news of being pregnant. We were shocked and overwhelmed, but the news was something that we had been waiting on for some time. About 2 weeks after the two lines on the test appeared, I began to have some spotting and later found out that our precious bean had no heartbeat. I was upset, but I had the feeling that things will be okay--keep trying.
So that's what we did. We kept trying. And trying. And trying. We saw the doctor and tried a few rounds of low dosage medication in hopes that might stimulate things, but still nothing. I had grown very comfortable with the idea that we would never have any more children. I had accepted it and everything was fine.
With the idea that baby making was out the window, I began working on myself. I entered a fitness contest and began losing inches and dropping pounds. I was dedicated to the gym and was beginning to see real results. I had lost close to forty pounds when one night at the gym on the stair climber, I felt different. My heart was racing a bit more than usual and something just seemed "off". Not really sure what it could be, on a whim, I took a pregnancy test and for the third time in my life it was positive.
Pregnancy
With the news of this pregnancy still very new, we kept this hush-hush until the heartbeat was visible and everything looked good and normal. The first half of my pregnancy was great. No morning sickness. No huge weight gain. No weird cravings. My 20-week appointment and ultrasound arrived almost too quickly and we found out that we were having a baby boy. Tyler Joseph was scheduled to arrive on November 4, 2012. We were all so thrilled. Another little boy in our world. Another boy to play sports, ride bikes, love being outside. It was really wonderful news for our little family.
The next several weeks though, brought some body changes that I wasn't exactly prepared for. My glucose test came back just a tad off and I was put on insulin for gestational diabetes. I was then forced to test my blood sugar several times throughout the day and call in numbers to the nurse. It wasn't the end of the world, but it felt like a huge inconvenience. I still wasn't a "high-risk" pregnancy, but I was going to the doctor more often. It was during these extra visits that my blood pressure kept inching up. Every time I was there it was just a bit higher than the last time. The doctor prescribed medication in hope to keep it under control enough to get to 37 weeks. I was also given several injections to help baby's lungs develop if we never got to that time.
The prescriptions didn't seem to do much. I was still running high on my blood pressure and I'm now being seen once a week with an ultrasound and an NST. I was being seen so often, I felt like I spent more time at the hospital than I did at home or at the office.
Delivery
On the day of October 9, 2012; my scheduled appointment was for one o'clock. I had been living with a constant headache for almost two weeks without any relief. I was still a few days away from 37 weeks and I wasn't sure how the doctor would handle the situation. But, she didn't have to. My blood pressure had sky-rocketed and I was headed to the hospital to deliver a baby.
We called family and friends and everyone started making their way to the hospital. We made the decision to have my c-section that night and then have the whole next day to enjoy Tyler.
The doctor came in and we started the prepping process. Hubby and I had already made the decision that Tyler was it. We desired one child between us and it was a mutual decision. So, at the time of my scheduled c-section, my OB was going to do a tubal ligation. I was absolutely fine with that decision. One more child was enough. He was going to be loved beyond any love any other child could.
Lying in the surgery room listening to the talk of the doctor and nurses around me, I was at peace. We had made it through what turned out to be a very difficult pregnancy and we were getting ready to celebrate with the beautiful little boy. He was ours. We would be going home in a few days and people would be lining up to come and see him. It was perfect.
Hubby came in and joined us and the procedure began. There was a bit of pressure and then came the crying. Loud, strong cries. This beautiful little boy was all legs and arms. He was precious and he was ours. Hubby brought him to my head and I kissed his cheeks and loved on him as much as I could. Hubby held onto him like there was no tomorrow. This little bundle of joy was ours. It was over.
Complications
Hubby went with the nursing staff and took Tyler to the nursery. They worked to get him cleaned up and ready to be presented. It was then discovered that there was some problems with his breathing. It was very labored and his pulse ox number was all over the place. The pediatrician on call put him on oxygen and gave him some medication to help with his lungs. It was believed since he was early that his lungs were not fully developed and this action was going to help that.
Tyler stayed in the nursery all night and as soon as I could, I went to see him the next morning. He was beautiful. He had red hair and the biggest little jaws you have ever seen. He continued to labor to breath, but we were constantly reassured that everything would be fine.
I visited the nursery several times that day and would rub on his little feet and hands and kiss on him. He would at times, cry out and I still felt that everything was going to be OK.
During a visit in the early evening, the nurse said that the doctor was going to send him to Cape Girardeau to the NICU there. He was still very confident that things would work out, he just felt that Tyler needed a little extra care. Hubby made arrangements to follow the ambulance and I would come up the next day once I was released.
We waited for the transport team to come.
A couple of hours later, we were asked to come to the nursery and see the team. When we walked in, my little Tyler was motionless. It was then that we were informed that he had crashed and they seemed certain that it was his heart and not his lungs, but no certain diagnosis could be made there. He would have to be stable enough to travel and have a test done. And if it proved to be his heart, he would have to continue to be stable to make a trip to St. Louis.
We kissed our baby and they began loading him into the transport pod. He crashed again....while we sat there and watched.
They immediately took him and began working on his little body again. Recalling those moments are so difficult and brutal. As a parent, you feel so helpless. There was nothing we could do, but watch.
We were escorted out of the nursery and took residence in a room near the nursery. We called our pastor in and we began to pray. I sang songs of healing and faith. We waited.
My husband sent a nurse in to check on Tyler and she delivered the news that he was stable again and they were trying to get him loaded. We waited.
The next person that came into the room asked us to join them in the nursery. Hubby asked at that time if he was back and all the nurse said was, "They are still working on him." We knew. And at that moment all emotion came flooding out. Tears, wales, fear...it all came out. Our baby boy had died. He lived for 26 hours.
The nursery was full of nurses and doctors. Everyone seemed to be standing in disbelief. Some cried with us. Some hugged us. Some just stood back and watched. I don't think anyone truly believed what had happened.
I held my Tyler for several hours. I didn't want to let him go. He was my baby. It just didn't seem fair that he was taken from us. We still didn't have any answers as to why and all we could was grieve.
The next morning was a blur. I know the pediatrician came in and I know my OB came in. I remember telling my OB, "my tubes" as a desperation that we were facing the not only the loss of the child but also the hope that there would be no more.
Memorial
We had a beautiful service for Tyler. Several hundred people came to be with us as we laid to rest our perfect little boy. It was a beautiful blue skied day and we released yellow balloons. Yellow because that's his big brother's favorite color.
After several weeks, the thoughts that I shared with my OB that next morning came back to haunt me. We didn't have any hope for more children. That had been taken away too. What do we do now?
We met with the doctor and started reviewing various options.The two options that surfaced that day were a tubal reversal that could be provided to us at little to no charge or In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF).
Next Steps
We met with an IVF specialist in St. Louis and will meet with another in Memphis. We are still reviewing all of our options and looking at what is best for our family. There is no right or wrong answer here, but we want to make sure we make the best choice for our family and our needs.
The last several weeks have been the most difficult in my life. I would never wish this kind of pain and sorrow on anyone. No parent should every bury their child. It isn't fair.
The purpose of this blog is to share my story and the story that is to come. I believe that God is going to give us back what He had to take. I believe that we will have another child. Our family isn't complete. But one of them is already in Heaven wearing his wings....
--Kathy
Here's our story...
My husband and I were married on March 29, 2008. It was a second marriage for both of us. We each had a child from our previous marriage, but we knew we wanted a child together. OUR flesh and blood. So, began the process of trying to conceive (TTC).
Miscarriage
I was what you might call "Fertile Myrtle" in my younger days, but it didn't appear that way any more. After roughly 18 months of TTC, we had the exciting news of being pregnant. We were shocked and overwhelmed, but the news was something that we had been waiting on for some time. About 2 weeks after the two lines on the test appeared, I began to have some spotting and later found out that our precious bean had no heartbeat. I was upset, but I had the feeling that things will be okay--keep trying.
So that's what we did. We kept trying. And trying. And trying. We saw the doctor and tried a few rounds of low dosage medication in hopes that might stimulate things, but still nothing. I had grown very comfortable with the idea that we would never have any more children. I had accepted it and everything was fine.
With the idea that baby making was out the window, I began working on myself. I entered a fitness contest and began losing inches and dropping pounds. I was dedicated to the gym and was beginning to see real results. I had lost close to forty pounds when one night at the gym on the stair climber, I felt different. My heart was racing a bit more than usual and something just seemed "off". Not really sure what it could be, on a whim, I took a pregnancy test and for the third time in my life it was positive.
Pregnancy
With the news of this pregnancy still very new, we kept this hush-hush until the heartbeat was visible and everything looked good and normal. The first half of my pregnancy was great. No morning sickness. No huge weight gain. No weird cravings. My 20-week appointment and ultrasound arrived almost too quickly and we found out that we were having a baby boy. Tyler Joseph was scheduled to arrive on November 4, 2012. We were all so thrilled. Another little boy in our world. Another boy to play sports, ride bikes, love being outside. It was really wonderful news for our little family.
The next several weeks though, brought some body changes that I wasn't exactly prepared for. My glucose test came back just a tad off and I was put on insulin for gestational diabetes. I was then forced to test my blood sugar several times throughout the day and call in numbers to the nurse. It wasn't the end of the world, but it felt like a huge inconvenience. I still wasn't a "high-risk" pregnancy, but I was going to the doctor more often. It was during these extra visits that my blood pressure kept inching up. Every time I was there it was just a bit higher than the last time. The doctor prescribed medication in hope to keep it under control enough to get to 37 weeks. I was also given several injections to help baby's lungs develop if we never got to that time.
The prescriptions didn't seem to do much. I was still running high on my blood pressure and I'm now being seen once a week with an ultrasound and an NST. I was being seen so often, I felt like I spent more time at the hospital than I did at home or at the office.
Delivery
On the day of October 9, 2012; my scheduled appointment was for one o'clock. I had been living with a constant headache for almost two weeks without any relief. I was still a few days away from 37 weeks and I wasn't sure how the doctor would handle the situation. But, she didn't have to. My blood pressure had sky-rocketed and I was headed to the hospital to deliver a baby.
We called family and friends and everyone started making their way to the hospital. We made the decision to have my c-section that night and then have the whole next day to enjoy Tyler.
The doctor came in and we started the prepping process. Hubby and I had already made the decision that Tyler was it. We desired one child between us and it was a mutual decision. So, at the time of my scheduled c-section, my OB was going to do a tubal ligation. I was absolutely fine with that decision. One more child was enough. He was going to be loved beyond any love any other child could.
Lying in the surgery room listening to the talk of the doctor and nurses around me, I was at peace. We had made it through what turned out to be a very difficult pregnancy and we were getting ready to celebrate with the beautiful little boy. He was ours. We would be going home in a few days and people would be lining up to come and see him. It was perfect.
Hubby came in and joined us and the procedure began. There was a bit of pressure and then came the crying. Loud, strong cries. This beautiful little boy was all legs and arms. He was precious and he was ours. Hubby brought him to my head and I kissed his cheeks and loved on him as much as I could. Hubby held onto him like there was no tomorrow. This little bundle of joy was ours. It was over.
Complications
Hubby went with the nursing staff and took Tyler to the nursery. They worked to get him cleaned up and ready to be presented. It was then discovered that there was some problems with his breathing. It was very labored and his pulse ox number was all over the place. The pediatrician on call put him on oxygen and gave him some medication to help with his lungs. It was believed since he was early that his lungs were not fully developed and this action was going to help that.
Tyler stayed in the nursery all night and as soon as I could, I went to see him the next morning. He was beautiful. He had red hair and the biggest little jaws you have ever seen. He continued to labor to breath, but we were constantly reassured that everything would be fine.
I visited the nursery several times that day and would rub on his little feet and hands and kiss on him. He would at times, cry out and I still felt that everything was going to be OK.
During a visit in the early evening, the nurse said that the doctor was going to send him to Cape Girardeau to the NICU there. He was still very confident that things would work out, he just felt that Tyler needed a little extra care. Hubby made arrangements to follow the ambulance and I would come up the next day once I was released.
We waited for the transport team to come.
A couple of hours later, we were asked to come to the nursery and see the team. When we walked in, my little Tyler was motionless. It was then that we were informed that he had crashed and they seemed certain that it was his heart and not his lungs, but no certain diagnosis could be made there. He would have to be stable enough to travel and have a test done. And if it proved to be his heart, he would have to continue to be stable to make a trip to St. Louis.
We kissed our baby and they began loading him into the transport pod. He crashed again....while we sat there and watched.
They immediately took him and began working on his little body again. Recalling those moments are so difficult and brutal. As a parent, you feel so helpless. There was nothing we could do, but watch.
We were escorted out of the nursery and took residence in a room near the nursery. We called our pastor in and we began to pray. I sang songs of healing and faith. We waited.
My husband sent a nurse in to check on Tyler and she delivered the news that he was stable again and they were trying to get him loaded. We waited.
The next person that came into the room asked us to join them in the nursery. Hubby asked at that time if he was back and all the nurse said was, "They are still working on him." We knew. And at that moment all emotion came flooding out. Tears, wales, fear...it all came out. Our baby boy had died. He lived for 26 hours.
The nursery was full of nurses and doctors. Everyone seemed to be standing in disbelief. Some cried with us. Some hugged us. Some just stood back and watched. I don't think anyone truly believed what had happened.
I held my Tyler for several hours. I didn't want to let him go. He was my baby. It just didn't seem fair that he was taken from us. We still didn't have any answers as to why and all we could was grieve.
The next morning was a blur. I know the pediatrician came in and I know my OB came in. I remember telling my OB, "my tubes" as a desperation that we were facing the not only the loss of the child but also the hope that there would be no more.
Memorial
We had a beautiful service for Tyler. Several hundred people came to be with us as we laid to rest our perfect little boy. It was a beautiful blue skied day and we released yellow balloons. Yellow because that's his big brother's favorite color.
After several weeks, the thoughts that I shared with my OB that next morning came back to haunt me. We didn't have any hope for more children. That had been taken away too. What do we do now?
We met with the doctor and started reviewing various options.The two options that surfaced that day were a tubal reversal that could be provided to us at little to no charge or In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF).
Next Steps
We met with an IVF specialist in St. Louis and will meet with another in Memphis. We are still reviewing all of our options and looking at what is best for our family. There is no right or wrong answer here, but we want to make sure we make the best choice for our family and our needs.
The last several weeks have been the most difficult in my life. I would never wish this kind of pain and sorrow on anyone. No parent should every bury their child. It isn't fair.
The purpose of this blog is to share my story and the story that is to come. I believe that God is going to give us back what He had to take. I believe that we will have another child. Our family isn't complete. But one of them is already in Heaven wearing his wings....
--Kathy
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