Here's our story...
My husband and I were married on March 29, 2008. It was a second marriage for both of us. We each had a child from our previous marriage, but we knew we wanted a child together. OUR flesh and blood. So, began the process of trying to conceive (TTC).
Miscarriage
I was what you might call "Fertile Myrtle" in my younger days, but it didn't appear that way any more. After roughly 18 months of TTC, we had the exciting news of being pregnant. We were shocked and overwhelmed, but the news was something that we had been waiting on for some time. About 2 weeks after the two lines on the test appeared, I began to have some spotting and later found out that our precious bean had no heartbeat. I was upset, but I had the feeling that things will be okay--keep trying.
So that's what we did. We kept trying. And trying. And trying. We saw the doctor and tried a few rounds of low dosage medication in hopes that might stimulate things, but still nothing. I had grown very comfortable with the idea that we would never have any more children. I had accepted it and everything was fine.
With the idea that baby making was out the window, I began working on myself. I entered a fitness contest and began losing inches and dropping pounds. I was dedicated to the gym and was beginning to see real results. I had lost close to forty pounds when one night at the gym on the stair climber, I felt different. My heart was racing a bit more than usual and something just seemed "off". Not really sure what it could be, on a whim, I took a pregnancy test and for the third time in my life it was positive.
Pregnancy
With the news of this pregnancy still very new, we kept this hush-hush until the heartbeat was visible and everything looked good and normal. The first half of my pregnancy was great. No morning sickness. No huge weight gain. No weird cravings. My 20-week appointment and ultrasound arrived almost too quickly and we found out that we were having a baby boy. Tyler Joseph was scheduled to arrive on November 4, 2012. We were all so thrilled. Another little boy in our world. Another boy to play sports, ride bikes, love being outside. It was really wonderful news for our little family.
The next several weeks though, brought some body changes that I wasn't exactly prepared for. My glucose test came back just a tad off and I was put on insulin for gestational diabetes. I was then forced to test my blood sugar several times throughout the day and call in numbers to the nurse. It wasn't the end of the world, but it felt like a huge inconvenience. I still wasn't a "high-risk" pregnancy, but I was going to the doctor more often. It was during these extra visits that my blood pressure kept inching up. Every time I was there it was just a bit higher than the last time. The doctor prescribed medication in hope to keep it under control enough to get to 37 weeks. I was also given several injections to help baby's lungs develop if we never got to that time.
The prescriptions didn't seem to do much. I was still running high on my blood pressure and I'm now being seen once a week with an ultrasound and an NST. I was being seen so often, I felt like I spent more time at the hospital than I did at home or at the office.
Delivery
On the day of October 9, 2012; my scheduled appointment was for one o'clock. I had been living with a constant headache for almost two weeks without any relief. I was still a few days away from 37 weeks and I wasn't sure how the doctor would handle the situation. But, she didn't have to. My blood pressure had sky-rocketed and I was headed to the hospital to deliver a baby.
We called family and friends and everyone started making their way to the hospital. We made the decision to have my c-section that night and then have the whole next day to enjoy Tyler.
The doctor came in and we started the prepping process. Hubby and I had already made the decision that Tyler was it. We desired one child between us and it was a mutual decision. So, at the time of my scheduled c-section, my OB was going to do a tubal ligation. I was absolutely fine with that decision. One more child was enough. He was going to be loved beyond any love any other child could.
Lying in the surgery room listening to the talk of the doctor and nurses around me, I was at peace. We had made it through what turned out to be a very difficult pregnancy and we were getting ready to celebrate with the beautiful little boy. He was ours. We would be going home in a few days and people would be lining up to come and see him. It was perfect.
Hubby came in and joined us and the procedure began. There was a bit of pressure and then came the crying. Loud, strong cries. This beautiful little boy was all legs and arms. He was precious and he was ours. Hubby brought him to my head and I kissed his cheeks and loved on him as much as I could. Hubby held onto him like there was no tomorrow. This little bundle of joy was ours. It was over.
Complications
Hubby went with the nursing staff and took Tyler to the nursery. They worked to get him cleaned up and ready to be presented. It was then discovered that there was some problems with his breathing. It was very labored and his pulse ox number was all over the place. The pediatrician on call put him on oxygen and gave him some medication to help with his lungs. It was believed since he was early that his lungs were not fully developed and this action was going to help that.
Tyler stayed in the nursery all night and as soon as I could, I went to see him the next morning. He was beautiful. He had red hair and the biggest little jaws you have ever seen. He continued to labor to breath, but we were constantly reassured that everything would be fine.
I visited the nursery several times that day and would rub on his little feet and hands and kiss on him. He would at times, cry out and I still felt that everything was going to be OK.
During a visit in the early evening, the nurse said that the doctor was going to send him to Cape Girardeau to the NICU there. He was still very confident that things would work out, he just felt that Tyler needed a little extra care. Hubby made arrangements to follow the ambulance and I would come up the next day once I was released.
We waited for the transport team to come.
A couple of hours later, we were asked to come to the nursery and see the team. When we walked in, my little Tyler was motionless. It was then that we were informed that he had crashed and they seemed certain that it was his heart and not his lungs, but no certain diagnosis could be made there. He would have to be stable enough to travel and have a test done. And if it proved to be his heart, he would have to continue to be stable to make a trip to St. Louis.
We kissed our baby and they began loading him into the transport pod. He crashed again....while we sat there and watched.
They immediately took him and began working on his little body again. Recalling those moments are so difficult and brutal. As a parent, you feel so helpless. There was nothing we could do, but watch.
We were escorted out of the nursery and took residence in a room near the nursery. We called our pastor in and we began to pray. I sang songs of healing and faith. We waited.
My husband sent a nurse in to check on Tyler and she delivered the news that he was stable again and they were trying to get him loaded. We waited.
The next person that came into the room asked us to join them in the nursery. Hubby asked at that time if he was back and all the nurse said was, "They are still working on him." We knew. And at that moment all emotion came flooding out. Tears, wales, fear...it all came out. Our baby boy had died. He lived for 26 hours.
The nursery was full of nurses and doctors. Everyone seemed to be standing in disbelief. Some cried with us. Some hugged us. Some just stood back and watched. I don't think anyone truly believed what had happened.
I held my Tyler for several hours. I didn't want to let him go. He was my baby. It just didn't seem fair that he was taken from us. We still didn't have any answers as to why and all we could was grieve.
The next morning was a blur. I know the pediatrician came in and I know my OB came in. I remember telling my OB, "my tubes" as a desperation that we were facing the not only the loss of the child but also the hope that there would be no more.
Memorial
We had a beautiful service for Tyler. Several hundred people came to be with us as we laid to rest our perfect little boy. It was a beautiful blue skied day and we released yellow balloons. Yellow because that's his big brother's favorite color.
After several weeks, the thoughts that I shared with my OB that next morning came back to haunt me. We didn't have any hope for more children. That had been taken away too. What do we do now?
We met with the doctor and started reviewing various options.The two options that surfaced that day were a tubal reversal that could be provided to us at little to no charge or In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF).
Next Steps
We met with an IVF specialist in St. Louis and will meet with another in Memphis. We are still reviewing all of our options and looking at what is best for our family. There is no right or wrong answer here, but we want to make sure we make the best choice for our family and our needs.
The last several weeks have been the most difficult in my life. I would never wish this kind of pain and sorrow on anyone. No parent should every bury their child. It isn't fair.
The purpose of this blog is to share my story and the story that is to come. I believe that God is going to give us back what He had to take. I believe that we will have another child. Our family isn't complete. But one of them is already in Heaven wearing his wings....
--Kathy
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