Oh. My. Word.

So I feel like I've been non-existent for some time.  Life has been pretty busy.  Kendall has had basketball and baseball.  The spring months meant the hubby started putting in long hours.  Summer for me means LOTS of new hires and longer days.  Through all of that, we have managed to continue on our IVF path.

We've met with the doctor several times since my last post.  We had a baseline ultrasound at the beginning of my last cycle.  The ultrasound tech could only visualize 3-4 follicles and that concerned the doctor.  So why I was there for a SHG, he did a repeat ultrasound and found more.  Like 10-12 per ovary.  Much better!!  I've had more blood drawn than I can shake a stick at.  After showing that I had lost a bit more weight, the doctor was ready to move forward.  (YA!)

Hubby and I traveled to Memphis on Monday for a long day.  We met with the ansethiologist.  Did our injection training and learned about all our medications.  More blood drawn and finally a mock transfer.  I start injections a week from Friday with an anticipated egg retrival on June 24!!  It's REAL!!  VERY REAL!!

I'm excited!  This is such a great time in the life of our family.  The doctor did increase our odds of twins to 30%.  I guess we really have consider that--and we have and we're OK.  Whatever God blesses us with, we will cherish and love.

But OH. MY. WORD.  The medicine list they gave.  This is just a sampling...  Ganirelix, Doxycycline, Prednisone, Follistim, Menopur, hCG, Crinone...and the list goes on.  My hubby had to learn how to give me a shot on my hip.  There is a large mixing needle and the smaller injection needle.  He's threatened, more than once, to using the mixing needle.  I may kill him before this whole process is over.  Not really.....well, maybe.  Time will tell.

Been in lots of prayer over this process.  You think conceiving naturally is just allowing things to happen.  You may time and try to get things right, but it's still almost an "accident" when it happens.  There are no accidents with IVF.  NONE.  You know very well what is happening and what your body is going through.  And there really isn't ever that question mark of "is this going to work?"  At least not for us.  With our proven fertility, we believe wholeheartedly that this will work and that we will be pregnant.  The big question for us is "How many?"

So in closing....  I'm excited, scared, depressed, a little sad.  Excited that we have finally made it to this point.  Scared because I'm still "sure" what to expect.  Depressed and sad because I still miss my Tyler.  All this pales in comparison to losing him and even having to go through this madness.  But I know God's plans are so much higher than ours and I am choosing to trust Him.  So I place all my emotions and feelings at His feet and leave them there.  I choose (at least for today) to not pick them back up.  It's hard to leave them, but I know that at His feet they are not weighing on my shoulders.


Love...  Kathy

No News is Good News

The old saying goes....  No news is good news.  I guess that applies to most areas of your life.  It's been A LONG three months to get to where we are right now.  And I mean a LLLLLLOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG three months!  During that time I have worked my tail off and lost what weight I could.  I'm still just shy of the doctor's goal, but I'm confident that we can get started and I'll continue to work on the weight.

Speaking of doctor....  I went in last week for my day-3 tests.  I had about 8 vials of blood drawn and had a very painful ultrasound done of my ovaries.  I'm scheduled for an SHG and to see the doctor tomorrow.  Ya...another trip to Memphis.  *sarcasm*

I'm preparing myself for the upcoming months--making multiple trips to the "big city". 

So...there's not much news to share.  My fingers are crossed that we get our schedule and protocol tomorrow.  There's a lot of build-up to these visits and when you leave not knowing something it's real a let down.  I understand that portion of it, but it doesn't make matters any better.

Thoughts and prayers are with my cousin who underwent her third transfer last Wednesday and will test this Friday to see if she is in fact pregnant!!  I feel assured that this is her time and that my time will be right behind her.

Looking forward to another day with hopes and prayers that I leave with news--good news!!



'Til Later,

Kathy

Can I Scream, Please?

This has not been the best of weeks.  I'll start with talking about my precious son, Kendall.  Kendall is 8-years old and is the love of our life.

He is very tender-hearted and really doesn't have a mean bone in his body.  That's one of the greatest attributes he can have, in my opinion.  But the other night, he was being particularly clingy.  Kendall finally crawled into his Papa's lap and was watching "Looney Tunes".  In the cartoon there was a character with a baby.  When he saw that, all of sudden he started crying.  Big, loud sobs coming from this little body.  I got him consoled and helped him gather himself, only to have him breakdown again when I was tucking him into bed.  I posted on Facebook that we all have our moments and that night was Kendall's.  I can't understand how grief effects him, but as his Momma, I hate to see him cry and hurt.

****************

I accomplished something this morning!!  I jogged a half mile in the pool!!  Woo Hoo!!  I ALSO swam a quarter of a mile!!  Go Me!!  I may pay for it tomorrow, but for the moment I'm enjoying it.  I'm getting very frustrated, though.  The scale has stopped moving--AGAIN!  I report to the IVF doctor in a few short weeks and I'm no where near where I wanted to be.  I've lost and I feel good about that, but I need to be so much closer to my goal than this. 

I've spoken with a few ladies who have been through IVF and even talked with one who used the same facility.  They were told the same thing--you need to lose weight.  They each had a goal and none of them got there.  One is like myself, a bigger girl, and she was able to proceed with her first round of IVF.  The doctor talked with her about the results with a lower BMI, but she felt comfortable enough with where she was to move forward.  She now has a set of healthy, 8-year old twins from her first round.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we have the same success and we can go ahead and do this.

I feel like if I could lose another 10 pounds by our date, I'll be good.  That's two pounds a week until we're there.  I can do this, but in the mean time, I do want to SCREAM!!


Kathy

A Chance to Share

I'm sitting here in a bit of a quandary.  One, in less than 40 days (37 to be exact) we'll be meeting with the IVF dr to discuss our next steps.  I have to admit, this makes me very scared.  I'm still not down in weight to where I need to be and I'm struggling with the scale all the way around.

Also, in May, I'll be sharing my story, this story, with the ladies at my church.  I'm going to invite some friends of mine to come and be there for moral support too.  I'm praying about what direction it needs to take, but I know I want to talk about my past and everything that I have endured to be in a place where I am now where I can see God's hand in whatever comes my way.  I'm sure many of the things I've shared in this blog will come up in my talk.  And that's OK, I want to speak from my heart and share how I'm still able to praise Him through everything.

And by everything--I mean EVERYTHING!!  To highlight...  I lost my brother to suicide 2 days before my 19th birthday.  I lived as a missionary in LA for 1 year living on less than $200/month.  My mother developed cirrhosis of the liver and was on the transplant list for 7 years.    I married an abusive man who made my life a living hell for 5 months.  I LEFT an abusive relationship when I knew my life would be threatened for doing so.  I raised a child on my own for the first 3 years of his life.  I lost my mother to the disease that had made her sick for so long after she received her life-changing transplant.  I suffered infertility for 4 years while me and my husband struggled to know the cause.  And ultimately....I lost an infant child just a day after we welcomed him into this world.  Things change you and every one of the above listed events has changed my life.  I'm not the same person I was before I lost my brother.  I'm not the same person I was before my mother died and I'm certainly not the same person I was before Tyler went to Heaven.  And I'll never be that person again.  Those life moments change you and mold you into who you will become.  And I believe that it's your reaction to those moments that mold you into the person that God wants you to be.  Our reactions make us who we are...the good, the bad and the ugly.

I'm excited about my chance to share, but I'm also very nervous.  I take the opportunities like this that are given very seriously and cover them with prayer.  I want to see people changed and moved by what I say.  I know people are watching my every move, but now I want them to see my every step and know that it is God that has held me as I journey down this sorrow stricken road.

Till next time....

Kathy

Still Standing!

I haven't posted in some time and to be quite honest, I really didn't have much to say. 

• Some days are better than others.
• It still hurts to see pictures and video of Tyler.
• I still get mad/upset/bitter when I see healthy babies with their mommas.
• I want so badly to hold a baby, but just don't think I stomach it.
• I'm working out 5-6 days a week to get down to a weight that is acceptable to start IVF.
• I'm not to that acceptable weight just yet.

• I still want to have another baby......

I had the privilege of meeting another "Standing Mom" who lost her 12-week son, Ethan, three years ago.  This amazing mother is my soon-to-be pastor's wife and I'm so excited to be able to share our stories and laugh together and to cry together.  She is excited to walk through this next phase of our life holding my hand and keeping me sane as I worry about every little pain, cramp and twinge that I feel during my next pregnancy.  (I say my NEXT pregnancy because I will get pregnant again!!)


I had plateaued and not lost any additional weight for about two weeks.  I would gain and lose the same pound, it seemed.  I was really starting to get frustrated and really started questioning whether or not this would all be worth it.  I would read blogs and weight-loss sites trying to gather a game plan to help with the last, stubborn 12 pounds.  I was working my tale off and nothing really to show for it.  Then, this morning, the scale showed a four-pound loss. 


HALLELUJAH!!  (angels singing in the background)


I feel like I can continue on this journey.  I've still got 8 pounds to lose by April 24, but I feel confident that I can get those off plus any extra that may want to linger. 


My husband has been using a weight-loss product and lost nine pounds in seven days.  It's not a competition, but it sure is nice to get one ahead of him.  :)

Tee hee, tee hee....


But with a five-month angleversary under my belt, the scale finally moving in the right direction and feeling like we're getting somewhere--I'm very optimistic about the future.  I'm ready to get things going, but I also know that April 24 is not that far away.  (42 days to be exact!)  I'll make it and hopefully be down another 12 pounds.....


Until then....


Kathy
 

Late Update!

I've been rather MIA as of lately.  The "sickies" moved into our home and decided to camp out for a few weeks.  It seems we passed it around and everyone got a taste.  I was lucky (sarcasm) to have it twice.  The second episode required not-one, but three visits to see a doctor.  The first visit was to an after-hours clinic.  Diagnosis:  bronchitis.   The next morning I woke up and had been coughing up blood through the night.  Decided I better have confirmation that it was just bronchitis and something more serious.  Diagnosis that visit:  confirmation of bronchitis and a bleeding sore in the back of my throat.  Continued the antibiotics and then followed up with my regular doctor later in the week.  Through this mess, I started getting something that felt like cotton mouth.  I had experienced it before and knew that it was thrush.  Regular doctor confirmed, that, yes, I did have thrush.  A few more drugs to combat the problem.

So, with nearly a week of a sore throat and unable to eat much of anything, I lost 11 pounds!!  Not the way I would suggest to anyone to lose weight, but it helped to make a nasty week a little better.

Today was the day that I called the IVF doctor to schedule my tests and next appointment.  April 25!!  As of today, that is 65 days away!!  That means that in 65 days we'll be starting the process of in-vitro fertilization.  This first visit is all my initial blood tests, an ultrasound and the visit with the doctor to let us know which protocol we will start.  It seems very surreal.  This is something we want, but at the same time it's also very overwhelming.  I still have days (today being one of them) that I am filled with worry about my living child and his safety.  I know he is in a safe place with people that would lay down their life to protect him, but the fear for his life and the life of future children, invades my mind and my senses to a point that it's hard to concentrate and think.  I know that those 9 months of pregnancy will be filled with fear over every twinge, every ache, every slight hint of a problem.  I'll continue to worry until that baby is safe in my arms and we are headed home.  And then new worries come.  I guess that as a mother that's part of our DNA, but for me, sometime it gets to be too much for me to handle. 

So I start my countdown!  65......  ...:::  BREATHE  :::...    ...:::  BREATHE  :::... (repeat)

---Kathy

How's it going?

This is week number two of early morning visits to the gym!!  I'm happy to report that I have been there most mornings and have already dropped six pounds!!  Six pounds down, 24 more to go.

I've got a friend who has been meeting me at the gym.  We both do our own thing, but it helps with accountability of it all.  You start asking questions when you don't see someone and maybe apply some good peer pressure to get them back.  It helps me knowing that someone is there "waiting" on me.  I feel another responsibility.

I'm excited about the weight loss.  I'm excited about the exercise.  I'm also very excited that third period after giving birth was normal.  That's two in a row that have been normal.  Getting back on a regular cycle is just another step toward meeting our goal of a viable pregnancy.  One more step in the right direction.

The craziest thing that has happened is that I have volunteered to share my story at a women's function at church.  I just kept feeling a pull to share what we've been through and open up about my anger, my hurt, my loss.  Many, and I mean MANY, know the story about losing Tyler, but most don't have a clue about the greater loss we felt that day of maybe never having another child.  That's just not something you openly share with people, but God has really impressed upon me that I do need to share.  Share about our feelings, share about the heart condition Tyler had, share about getting better and not bitter, share about being thankful and content with what you have...  All of the above.  I'm nervous, scared.  Worried about the fingers of judgement that may be pointed at us.  In-vitro fertilization is a very new topic for the church to discuss.  It's so "science-y" that a lot of people don't want or don't like to think about that with regard to creation and the way God designed things.  It will be very new territory for some of our ladies to venture into, but I'm happy to share this story with them.  I want them to take the journey with us.  Celebrate with us, grieve with us, hope with us, pray with us....