This has not been the best of weeks. I'll start with talking about my precious son, Kendall. Kendall is 8-years old and is the love of our life.
He is very tender-hearted and really doesn't have a mean bone in his body. That's one of the greatest attributes he can have, in my opinion. But the other night, he was being particularly clingy. Kendall finally crawled into his Papa's lap and was watching "Looney Tunes". In the cartoon there was a character with a baby. When he saw that, all of sudden he started crying. Big, loud sobs coming from this little body. I got him consoled and helped him gather himself, only to have him breakdown again when I was tucking him into bed. I posted on Facebook that we all have our moments and that night was Kendall's. I can't understand how grief effects him, but as his Momma, I hate to see him cry and hurt.
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I accomplished something this morning!! I jogged a half mile in the pool!! Woo Hoo!! I ALSO swam a quarter of a mile!! Go Me!! I may pay for it tomorrow, but for the moment I'm enjoying it. I'm getting very frustrated, though. The scale has stopped moving--AGAIN! I report to the IVF doctor in a few short weeks and I'm no where near where I wanted to be. I've lost and I feel good about that, but I need to be so much closer to my goal than this.
I've spoken with a few ladies who have been through IVF and even talked with one who used the same facility. They were told the same thing--you need to lose weight. They each had a goal and none of them got there. One is like myself, a bigger girl, and she was able to proceed with her first round of IVF. The doctor talked with her about the results with a lower BMI, but she felt comfortable enough with where she was to move forward. She now has a set of healthy, 8-year old twins from her first round. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we have the same success and we can go ahead and do this.
I feel like if I could lose another 10 pounds by our date, I'll be good. That's two pounds a week until we're there. I can do this, but in the mean time, I do want to SCREAM!!
Kathy
I'm sitting here in a bit of a quandary. One, in less than 40 days (37 to be exact) we'll be meeting with the IVF dr to discuss our next steps. I have to admit, this makes me very scared. I'm still not down in weight to where I need to be and I'm struggling with the scale all the way around.
Also, in May, I'll be sharing my story, this story, with the ladies at my church. I'm going to invite some friends of mine to come and be there for moral support too. I'm praying about what direction it needs to take, but I know I want to talk about my past and everything that I have endured to be in a place where I am now where I can see God's hand in whatever comes my way. I'm sure many of the things I've shared in this blog will come up in my talk. And that's OK, I want to speak from my heart and share how I'm still able to praise Him through everything.
And by everything--I mean EVERYTHING!! To highlight... I lost my brother to suicide 2 days before my 19th birthday. I lived as a missionary in LA for 1 year living on less than $200/month. My mother developed cirrhosis of the liver and was on the transplant list for 7 years. I married an abusive man who made my life a living hell for 5 months. I LEFT an abusive relationship when I knew my life would be threatened for doing so. I raised a child on my own for the first 3 years of his life. I lost my mother to the disease that had made her sick for so long after she received her life-changing transplant. I suffered infertility for 4 years while me and my husband struggled to know the cause. And ultimately....I lost an infant child just a day after we welcomed him into this world. Things change you and every one of the above listed events has changed my life. I'm not the same person I was before I lost my brother. I'm not the same person I was before my mother died and I'm certainly not the same person I was before Tyler went to Heaven. And I'll never be that person again. Those life moments change you and mold you into who you will become. And I believe that it's your reaction to those moments that mold you into the person that God wants you to be. Our reactions make us who we are...the good, the bad and the ugly.
I'm excited about my chance to share, but I'm also very nervous. I take the opportunities like this that are given very seriously and cover them with prayer. I want to see people changed and moved by what I say. I know people are watching my every move, but now I want them to see my every step and know that it is God that has held me as I journey down this sorrow stricken road.
Till next time....
Kathy
I haven't posted in some time and to be quite honest, I really didn't have much to say.
- Some days are better than others.
- It still hurts to see pictures and video of Tyler.
- I still get mad/upset/bitter when I see healthy babies with their mommas.
- I want so badly to hold a baby, but just don't think I stomach it.
- I'm working out 5-6 days a week to get down to a weight that is acceptable to start IVF.
- I'm not to that acceptable weight just yet.
- I still want to have another baby......
I had the privilege of meeting another "Standing Mom" who lost her 12-week son, Ethan, three years ago. This amazing mother is my soon-to-be pastor's wife and I'm so excited to be able to share our stories and laugh together and to cry together. She is excited to walk through this next phase of our life holding my hand and keeping me sane as I worry about every little pain, cramp and twinge that I feel during my next pregnancy. (I say my NEXT pregnancy because I will get pregnant again!!)
I had plateaued and not lost any additional weight for about two weeks. I would gain and lose the same pound, it seemed. I was really starting to get frustrated and really started questioning whether or not this would all be worth it. I would read blogs and weight-loss sites trying to gather a game plan to help with the last, stubborn 12 pounds. I was working my tale off and nothing really to show for it. Then, this morning, the scale showed a four-pound loss.
HALLELUJAH!! (angels singing in the background)
I feel like I can continue on this journey. I've still got 8 pounds to lose by April 24, but I feel confident that I can get those off plus any extra that may want to linger.
My husband has been using a weight-loss product and lost nine pounds in seven days. It's not a competition, but it sure is nice to get one ahead of him. :)
Tee hee, tee hee....
But with a five-month angleversary under my belt, the scale finally moving in the right direction and feeling like we're getting somewhere--I'm very optimistic about the future. I'm ready to get things going, but I also know that April 24 is not that far away. (42 days to be exact!) I'll make it and hopefully be down another 12 pounds.....
Until then....
Kathy
